I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Can I color on your dick again?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
