it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
