Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
