D3 body, D1 cock
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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