Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
