Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
