I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
