and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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