Screwed.edu
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
