I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
