You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
