After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
