You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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