I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
