she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
