he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
