Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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