You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
