Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
