just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
