4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
