So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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