My liver just broke up with me...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
