There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
