this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
