Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
