Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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