We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
