In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
only you would photoshop your dick
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
