I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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