There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
