I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
