I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
