Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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