Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
