just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
