You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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