If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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