Michael Bay diarrhea
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
