I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
they're like a gay fantastic four
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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