my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
