He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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