i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
