I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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