and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
