At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
