I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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