i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
