Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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