I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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