I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
