I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
