i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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